These articles have become so popular that I thought I'd get in on the action. Many people today are concerned about what you should and shouldn't eat for maximum healthfulness and minimum awfulness, so here is my list of my five things you should NEVER eat. Trust me, I'm a dietitian!
1. Plutonium.
Many people think plutonium is a great source of energy, but it's also highly toxic and can cause cancer, genetic damage, and even death. Plutonium can have a half-life of up to 80 million years- almost as long as Twinkies! Plutonium also releases ionizing radiation, leading to an increased need to eat antioxidizing acai berries. Lastly, plutonium is the heaviest primordial element, which will just make your doctor obsess even more about your BMI.
2. Live bulls.
With the surging popularity of energy drinks, people are looking for any way to get a boost. However, live bulls are extraordinarily dangerous and, even worse, packed with calories. An adult male bull may be a good protein source, but he also has about 4,360,000 calories- significantly more than you can burn off while wrestling him to the ground and eating him.
3. Broken glass.
Don't be tempted to reach for glass when craving a crunchy snack. Glass contains very few vitamins and is often contaminated with a variety of chemicals and artificial colors. Eating broken glass also wreaks havoc on the digestive tract and will cause your guts to actually leak.
4. Dumbbells.
Many people espouse the benefits of weights for health and fitness. However, you should never, ever eat the dumbbells, no matter how good they look. While they may be a good source of iron, eating dumbbells can lead to uncomfortable bloating and gastrointestinal distress.
5. Coconut.
Not because coconut is particularly bad for you or there’s anything nutritionally wrong with it, but I hate coconut and no one should like something I don't like.
Okay, seriously.
Y'all, these lists drive me nuts. While this article is obviously satire, some of the serious ones are every bit as absurd. There are certainly some foods that are more nutritious and some that are less, but very few foods are actually dangerous unless you choke on them. If you're allergic or have a legitimate medical reason not to eat something, I'll gladly wrestle it away from you myself. Otherwise there is really no reason to NEVER eat a certain food. I would even argue that you should have it once in a while so it doesn’t become so mythical and restricted that it leads to deprivation and binging.
If it’s super important to you to eliminate sugar/dairy/gluten/soy/[insert food villain of the week here] and you’re willing to deal with the inconvenience and find other sources for the nutrients you’re missing out on, be my guest. However, avoiding things is not what makes us healthy. What is most important is not what you exclude from your diet, but what you include. Anything you eat is part of the overall context of everything you eat, which is what really defines health. Are you getting plenty of fruit and vegetables? Water? Fiber? Carbohydrates, fat, and protein? Are you moving your body around in a way you find enjoyable from time to time?
If you can’t say yes to most of those questions, I challenge you to pick one of them and work on it. Instead of spending time scouring every label for MSG or high fructose corn syrup or plutonium, maybe pick out a new fruit and try it. Look up some new ways to prepare your favorite vegetables. Check out a yoga class or buy a reusable water bottle and carry it around with you. Any of these things will make a more positive impact on your health than becoming the food police.
Come back and let me know how it goes, okay?